"not rearing pigs"

> Rt Hon David Miliband MP
> Secretary of State,
> Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
> Nobel House
> 17 Smith Square
> London SW1P 3JR
>
> 16 May 2007
>
> Dear Secretary of State,
>
> My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a
> cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing
> pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.
>
> In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on,
> and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I
> approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as
> promoted by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
>
> I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type
> you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are
> there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks
> or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not
> rearing these?
>
> As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an
> accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any
> Government or Local Authority courses on this?
>
> My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing
> pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was
> £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque
> for not rearing any.
>
> If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not
> rearing 100?
>
> I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
> about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the
> first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to
> be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not
> reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4
> million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be
> eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not
> producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
>
> Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000
> tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not
> growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals
> to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
>
> I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please
> send any information you have on that too. Please could you also
> include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be
> done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to
> have several thousand hectares)?
>
> In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally
> unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
>
> I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general
> election.
>
> Yours faithfully,